egnatius, quod candidos habet dentes,
renidet usque quaque. si ad rei uentum est
subsellium, cum orator excitat fletum,
renidet ille; si ad pii rogum fili
lugetur, orba cum flet unicum mater,
renidet ille. quidquid est, ubicumque est,
quodcumque agit, renidet: hunc habet morbum,
neque elegantem, ut arbitror, neque urbanum.
quare monendum est te mihi, bone egnati.
si urbanus esses aut sabinus aut tiburs
aut pinguis umber aut obesus etruscus
aut lanuuinus ater atque dentatus
aut transpadanus, ut meos quoque attingam,
aut quilubet, qui puriter lauit dentes,
tamen renidere usque quaque te nollem:
nam risu inepto res ineptior nulla est.
nunc celtiber es: celtiberia in terra,
quod quisque minxit, hoc sibi solet mane
dentem atque russam defricare gingiuam,
ut quo iste uester expolitior dens est,
hoc te amplius bibisse praedicet loti.

because egnatius has brilliant teeth,
he beams all the time. if it's a case for the defendant's
bench, when the barrister is doing the tear-jerking,
he beams. if there is mourning at the pyre of a devoted
son, when the bereaved mother is weeping for her only son,
he beams. whatever it is, wherever it is
whatever he is doing, he beams. this is a disease he has,
and not, i think, an attractive or a civilised one.
so i have to give you some advice, good egnatius.
if you were from the city or a sabine or tiburtine
or a podgy umbrian or a fat etruscan
or a lanuvine, swarthy and with good teeth,
or a transpadane - to get to my own people as well -
or anyone who washes his teeth in a clean manner
i would still not want you to beam all the time,
since there is nothing dafter than a daft grin.
as it is, you're celtiberian: and in celtiberia
in the mornings everyone generally uses whatever he has pissed
to run down his teeth and his gums,
so that the more polished those teeth of yours are
the more deeply does this tell us you have drunk of your own piss.