Stop press: St.Anne's College is insane... here's the proof

Motion 2
This JCR notes:
1. That Britney Spears is a fox.
2. That her versatility as a singer/entertainer and general goddess deserves recognition.

This JCR therefore resolves:
To mandate the JCR President to invite Miss Spears to become an honorary member of St.Anne's College.
Proposed: Will Kinder
Seconded Luke Sherriff
[postponed due to non-attendance of proposers]

Motion 5
This JCR notes:
1. That there are no polecats or birds of any sort attending St.Anne's college.
2. That at no point in history was this the case.
3. That the college crest depicts both of these arbitrary zoological features, in no particular binding spatial orientation.

This JCR believes:
That such anachronistic symbolism deserves no place on the face of a college priding itself on values of sexual equality and scholarly pursuit.

This JCR therefore resolves:
To change the college crest to incoporate the following two features side by side:
1. A naked male student asleep in a kebab.
2. A female student washing his clothes.
Proposed: Patrick McKnight
Seconded: BMC [Bullshit Motion Committee]
[motion passed overwhelmingly]

Motion 7
This JCR notes:
1. That Oxford University offers a part-time course known as English Literature and Language, but that the students are entitled to the same residency and facility priviledges as students of full-time courses such as History.
2. The spare time allocated to English students is commonly spent swanning around, weeping and growing mullets.

This JCR further notes:
1. That college buildings still contain stairwells, some more than 45 steps high, and that students of full-time degrees often live at the top of these stairwells.
2. That in the case of fire, students of full-time students often result in carpet burns and loss of balance on the stairs.

This JCR believes:
That ultimately, students of English are no real good to anyone, but some of them are quite strong and some of them are quite big.

This JCR therefore resolves:
1. To use English students in their free time to run a shuttle service carrying drunk students up to their rooms between the hours of midnight and 7am.
2. That in the event of fire, English students should throw themselves into it, to protect their full-time counterparts.
3. That in winter, scientists in particular should burn the larger English students to warm their rooms, as being so high up can be quite chilly.
4. To burn human scientists as well.
Proposed: Patrick McKnight
Seconded: BMC
[motion passed overwhelmingly]

Motion 9
This JCR notes:
1. That in the Summer of 1999, St.Anthony's College began construction work on new college accommodation on their campus.
2. That this work has proceeded with a bare minimum of effort yet with maximum disturbance, noise levels reaching as high as 235,000 decibels from 5am.
3. That the squash courts previously on the site were widely used by St.Anne's students.

This JCR further notes:
1. That the light levels reaching the upper and lower levels of 3 to 8 Bevington Rd have fallen by 0.00365% as a result of these construction works.
2. That photo-dependent students living in these North-facing rooms have begun to wither and most have at least paled significantly.
3. That workers on the site drive all vehicles in reverse, all the time, round and round in circles, resulting in persistent beeping noises.
4. That students of St.Anne's have suffered physically to a notable extent due to squash court deprivation, and more so because of a lack of sleep due to the aforementioned mechanical frivolity.

This JCR believes:
1. That St.Anthony's college is attempting to overthrow St.Anne's monopoly on the Bevington Quadrant by insidious psychological means,
2. That the Bevington Quadrant is part of St.Anne's heritage, and that history favours our ownership of this patch (see Battle of the bints - Hugh's vs. Anne's 1896, the LMH missile crisis 1952, and the Woodstock Treaty 1957 (following Green vs. Anne's 1956)).
3. That such warfare cannot be tolerated, and St.Anne's should strike back in the tradition of intelligence, cunning and ingenuity for which it stands.

This JCR therefore resolves:
To adopt the following technical offensive:
1. To man St.Anthony's lodge nightly, armed with broken glass and bricks.
2. To adopt a verbal offensive strategy, with the emphasis on sexual swearwords (dick, tits, pricks, etc.)
3. To ally Ali [kebab van proprietor] to St.Anne's, housing him in the post room as a 24hr franchise service to St.Anne's students only.
4. To infest St.Anthony's canteen with lice, cockroaches, and Brookes students, in the interests of long term starvation.
5. To remove all light bulbs, condom machines, and twentieth century technology from St.Anthony's by means of a clever mole, and reinstate the Anne-Anthony trade embargo of 1947, cutting all its connections from the rich central colleges.
6. To burn Linacre, just in case.
7. To shoot all people entering and leaving the site, and all members of LMH [an ammendment was passed changing this to Keble] (as they can't be trusted).
Proposed: Patrick McKnight
Seconded: BMC
[motion passed overwhelmingly]